Maybe it's ok, if everything looks grey

Some days are better than others but no day is easy. These are words that I have said to myself and to others throughout the last couple of months. Usually, I have a string of awful days that dip to the lowest of lows and the very next day I feel kind of like myself again. I can usually induce an uphill slope of my feelings by remembering that “maybe it's ok if everything looks grey”.

Monday this week was especially awful for some reason. Most of the time am able to hold back the tears. At least I can hold them from actually flowing. I accepted a while ago that watery looking eyes is part of my cosmetic appearance these days. I slap the eyeliner on, the eye shadow, mascara (water proof) and top it off with tears. However, Monday was really hard. I wish I would have written that day but I spent most of the day struggling to hold back the tears.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better though. Last night, I spoke with my midwife about a doula workshop being held at the homestead that my midwife works at. I mentioned to her a couple weeks ago that I had always wanted to be a midwife.

When I was very little, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I replied to her in all seriousness “a girlnacologist”. A cousin of mine had recently visited and I over heard the conversation. She discussed her ObGyn and her plans for delivery. I took it all in and I knew then that I wanted to deliver babies.

The desire never went away but my confidence in myself did. I took nursing classes. I became a CNA. I have always had test anxiety and this caused me problems with the nursing classes. I essentially gave up and embarked on the only thing I knew I could do. That story is for another day though.

I told you all that so that I could tell you this. This Friday and Saturday, I will be attending a Dona-Approved Doula Workshop. I am really excited about this. I know there are people that are thinking to themselves “why on earth would someone that just lost their baby want to see a pregnant woman, or a mother and her baby? Let alone participate in their birthing process?” I have asked myself the same question. The answer is always the same. This is what I have always wanted to do. This is going to be a healing tool for me.

I did not choose to be infertile or marry a man who was. I did not choose to be the mother of a forever baby. Those are choices that I simply wasn't given. I can choose to use my experiences to help people. That is what I'm choosing.